Please Stop Faking it Till You Make it

As a “woman in tech” with a non-programming background, I’m no stranger to imposter syndrome and the common advice of “faking it till you make it.” While that advice means well, it’s also reminiscent of that well-meaning, slightly out-of-touch relative who is still confused about why you didn’t stay at your first job out of college ~10 years later (love you, Dad).

The appeal of confidence is comfort; if we know what we’re doing, we never have to feel “bad” about not understanding something or that we’re coming across like we’ve snuck our way into a role we have no right to be in. But from what I’ve discovered, there’s confidence in being honest as well.

The dopamine rush I got the first time I said, “I don’t know, let me follow up on that,” confidently in a meeting was unlike any time I’ve padded my words with roundabout ways of saying the exact same thing. It was freeing, much more efficient, and honest. Additionally, by showing that (for lack of a better word) “vulnerability,” I ironically felt more confident in my truths and what I did know. I noticed as well that people on my team were more likely to talk with me when they didn’t know something either, and it felt nice to know that I was helping to foster that kind of community in an industry that can be rife with misplaced confidence.

I might be telling on myself here too, but there have been times when I’ve been in the “fake it till you make it” mindset where I've confidently said something wrong— anyone who has been there knows the pain and extended discomfort that causes. It also erodes any trust you’ve built with the people you’re working with, as they’ll subconsciously second-guess your word going forward.

It’s easy to get into the mindset of wanting to be the smartest, most knowledgeable person in the room, but that ignores the human element of work—other people also want to feel like the smartest person in the room, and I’ve yet to meet someone I couldn’t learn something from. Asking for feedback or advice can go a long way, especially if it’s something you genuinely want to know. 

Oftentimes, we do what we can to avoid feeling uncomfortable, but discomfort isn’t always a bad thing. It can be used as inspiration to figure out what isn’t working. Granted, if you find yourself saying or thinking “I don’t know” multiple times in a meeting, being uncomfortable is understandable; it’d be more concerning if you didn’t feel that way! Sitting with that discomfort and identifying ways to address it is an opportunity for growth. I’ve frequently found that communication (asking questions), honesty (admitting when you don’t fully understand something), and some elbow grease (Googling and learning) goes a long way, and those are skills that explicitly cannot be faked.